They call me freelancer, a code name that suits me perfectly. I graduated from an Ivy League school, rich family and no steady girl friend. But, hey, what for? Okay, maybe I’m not what you call normal but, except for the fact that I can risk just about everything, I’m almost like any other guy. What kind of risk? Well, I do skydiving, drag racing, poker with a Million Dollar on the line and some pretty big-time hacking. I believe in two things: girls are toys and when something’s gone, there’s no point in trying to bring it back.

I met this girl, Francesca, who became so insistent on me. When she went to Canada, I thought it was over. How wrong I was! She went back a couple of weeks later, told me she can’t stop thinking about me. She not the kind of girl that I would go for but she tried catching up, doing what I do. Well, actually, doing what my girls do. But she’s my friend and I don’t want to hurt her. I like her, yes. I can’t change my lifestyle, no.

The odd thing is, this feeling is so familiar and more pronounced the second time around. I know I fell deeply in love once. The odd thing is, I didn’t realize it until she’s gone. And worse, at that time, I was with a girl who is just name for me, nothing more.

Miah and I grew up together. Our parents were the best of friends. She’s a bit of a nerd, really. Her glasses were so big that it covered almost half of her face. My friends and I often laughed and joke about her and she often cried rivers. The tricky part is, even though how much I teased and made her cry, she had been so kind – so sweet – to me. She was so charming.

In high school, she went to London. I completely forgot about her. Then in college, I met a girl who reminded me of her. The

truth is, she is no nerd with big glasses. She is actually a fashion model. But then, she’s so vulnerable, so much like the girl I once knew, the nerd little girl of my past.

I went out with her twice, thrice. I don’t really remember. I was just experimenting. There was one time when we were at a bar. She played the piano but before she did, she asked me if I want her to play my favorite piece. I nodded but she left without waiting for me to name it. She plated the World Classic, my favorite piece. It was curious how she knew that when I was almost sure I never told anyone. Then, I realized that I did tell someone – the nerd little girl of my past! It was her! I gave myself a little shake; we’re just childhood friends, just that, I think.

Well, it was her. When I asked her how things have changed with her life, she just gave a non-committal shrug as if to say, “what you see is what you get.” When it was her turn to ask, I told her that “there’s been only few changes. For one thing, I am no longer the chubby spoiled brat that I used to be but much didn’t change, including our friendship.”

“Friendship.” She nodded in agreement. “Just friendship.”

One night, she went to our house, my parents were out of the country as usual. When she saw me, she started kissing me, telling me only three words, I love you. I shoved her off; I told myself that she was just drunk. Yes, drunk, that’s all. I told her that I don’t feel anything for her. She backed off. She was so disappointed. I told myself that it was nothing and that tomorrow everything would be back to normal again. It never did.

Her last e-mail to me was this:


This may be the last letter I will send you. I’m sorry, I really love you — there’s nothing I can do… NOTHING! I tried to get myself drunk to have the courage… to be brave enough to tell you that I love you — but you turned me down. I love you — but I don’t want to run around begging for your love… I feel bitter… I’m in pieces… I need to pick myself up… to put myself together, without you… without any memory of you… I’m leaving for London tonight.


I ignored her e-mail. Funny, I thought. Was it? That night I was with a girl named Julia, whom I just met at a pub the other night.

She’s not going. This is just some funny joke. At least, I thought it was. The next day, I went to her house; she’s gone. From then on, many things changed. I became a risk taker. I have lost my true love in just one night. Tomorrow does not exist, not for me.

My life has been a mess – meaningless, purposeless. I’ve been travelling but somehow, along the way, I have entered a strange highway. I don’t understand it myself but I tried to accept the painful truth that there’s no coming back. But then, there it is again. This time, I’m going to choose the right highway. I will tell Francesca that I love her before she’s gone. I will tell her now, ‘coz tomorrow might never come.

Try not to commit the same mistake that I did. Value the people you love. Give them the appreciation they deserve.


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