Maybe in another Lifetime this Pain Will Be Useful to You

Do not run away from the people who love you. They are the only hope any of us has. That is what he told you for what may have been lifetimes away. And stubbornly you held on to it. Stubbornly you refuse to let go. In how many lifetimes can you live and break before you give up? You told yourself it will always be one more than the times fate (or whatever it is) tries to break you.

“Who are you?” The question burned bitterly deep in your mouth while an unknown pair of eyes stared back at you unseeingly burning through your eyes even deeper. But you held his gaze: still searching, still hoping. You shook your head and swallowed a lump in your throat. You wanted to shake him, break him to find the man you knew.

But how do you break a broken man?

He was saying something, something you do not understand, something that does not make even the remotest sense. You struggled to understand but they’re all just pieces, broken pieces muddled together. Just like him. You wanted to scream at him, at fate, at everybody who seemed to have taken the man you knew. You bit your lip as tears threaten to over flow your eyes.

No, you will not cry.

You cannot cry.

Not in front of him.

He turned to leave. You grabbed his arm. You wanted to plea, to beg him not to leave. But your voice never came and a moment and a heartbeat later you were holding only the air. Empty and cold, just like him, just like you. And the emptiness and coldness threatens to choke you. You watched him walk away still fighting the tears and the cold and that overwhelming feeling that wanted to crush you.

You ran after him. You held him tightly. You imagined yourself holding together broken bits and pieces that no longer fit, trying and failing to keep it together. The hardest part, you realized, is that it’s breaking you as well.

They’ve always said that you’re stubborn.

You smiled a bitter smile.

They were right because until now you refuse to give up and give in. You refuse to allow yourself to think that he is broken beyond repair even as he looks back at you with his eyes cold and empty. A shadow of the man you once knew. If only his wounds were bleeding maybe you could stitch him up or do something to close them. If only the parts of him that were missing were something you can replace with yours you will give it to him ten times over.

You felt helpless. You’ve never felt helpless. You were the best and you’ve always managed to steal people back from the hands of death himself. You thought that death is the worst enemy and you fought him fiercely. You know that death always triumphs in the end but not while you’re there. No, you always won those times. But now, as you look back into the eyes of the man of your existence, the man you adore and love, you found yourself staring at an unknown enemy. You miss the feeling of being invincible and vulnerable and frightened all at the same time. Now the only thing you felt was the heaviness of your helplessness and limitations. And under its weight you wanted to collapse and shatter.

Collapse and shatter.

You cannot allow yourself those things. You stared back stubbornly at the eyes of your enemy. You cannot let him win, no. You swallowed another lump on your throat. You wanted to tell your enemy that you’re going to fight him. Again your voice failed you.

He was saying something, something that sounded strangely like goodbye, something that sounded like a plea for you to move on. You held him tightly but his strong arms pushed you gently away.

The enemy is gaining advantage.

Can you hear the enemy laughing? Can you hear the enemy taunting?

You pleaded for him to stay.

You begged for him to let you come with him.

He refused and walked away. But in his eyes, for one fleeting second, you saw an emotion other than emptiness: it was pain. Pain beyond pain, one that is so familiar to you, you felt you could have recognized it from miles away.

Can you hear the enemy’s cry of victory?

You hugged yourself. To you, it felt more like holding yourself together with the pieces threatening to fall apart. It was cold and empty. And around you, you heard laughter and people talking. How ironic, you thought.

The snow kept falling and the carols kept playing. All the while, it was cold and empty. And the trees and ground and houses were white and frozen. And you hoped that the cold will freeze your tears as well. And you prayed that it will numb your heart and congeal in place the parts that are falling off. But the breeze is only choking you and its howling drowns out the carols, a requiem for a love that threatens to break your very existence.

Maybe in another lifetime this pain will be useful to you.

In how many lifetimes can you live and break before you give up? You told yourself it will always be one more than the times fate (or whatever it is) tries to break you. Stubbornly you refuse to let go. Do not run away from the people who love you. They are the only hope any of us has. That is what he told you for what may have been lifetimes away. And stubbornly you held on to it. Maybe in another lifetime this pain will be useful to you.

.

.

.

[dedication: Because I can, this piece is dedicated to Charles. ;)]

[author’s note: I hope this piece made sense. To tell you honestly, it doesn’t make much sense to me either. The story basically wrote itself. :D]

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