Posted by: silent sinner | September 22, 2010

The Business of Breaking Things

“Did you ever wonder what happened to us?” I asked quietly. Without looking at anything in particular, I continued to stare at the vast expanse of the city ahead of me.  I didn’t dare look at her.

“I guess we both loved too much and then we got scared. Our love got too big for us, so we swerved.” She threw the last of the paper planes that we were making earlier. We watched it circle and swerved then plunge into the streets below. “We had something so real and so pure that we got scared of what would happen when we collide,” she added while turning away from the balcony and going back inside her 20th floor apartment.

“We should have. Collided, I mean.”  I followed her inside, shutting the sliding door and the city noise behind me.  “At the speed of light,” I added with a laugh.

She went straight to get the wine we abandoned earlier.

“And then what?”  She asked while handing me my glass. Then she seated herself on the red sofa across me. I remained standing.

I stared at my glass as if hoping it will give me an answer.  That was a good question. What would happen if we did?

“I don’t know,” I began slowly. “Maybe it will kill us both but at least we tried.”

“We did try,” she said simply. She looked at me as if daring me to say otherwise.

“We gave up too soon.” Even to my ears, my words sounded defensive. She shook her head.

“What we had,” she began. “I thought about it every day for a long while and it almost broke me. You gave up and I just had to let go. But it wasn’t that easy. The memories of you became ghosts that haunted me and I knew I had to give up as well.” Her voice sounded calmly defiant, refusing to spill the tears that linger threateningly on her eyes. For some reason, it was more painful than the screams and tears that I remember when I left for Paris years ago.

“You don’t love me anymore.” I dropped my head. It wasn’t a question.

“I never stopped,” she whispered.

I crossed the small distance between us, knelt in front of her and held her hands.

“Can we try again?” Deep down, I was scared that I might hurt her again but I have to know.

She removed her hands from mine and slowly shook her head.

“It’s too late. We used up all our second chances already.” She drank the remaining liquid in her glass then set it down on the table before standing up. “We missed our moment already. The train left long ago.”

She lifted her left hand and I noticed for the first time that she is wearing a beautifully crafted trillium sapphire ring.

“Do you love him?” I asked, sinking into the red sofa.

And with three words, she broke my heart:

“More than anything.”

Posted by: silent sinner | February 28, 2010

And After a Year Later

Sorry for the long absence.

I have uploaded another story titled Le Giornate del Cinema Muto. Enjoy. 🙂

‘Til next time,
-silent sinner

Posted by: silent sinner | January 27, 2009

Requiem for a Love

Do you hear
the sound
of the clock ticking?
Do you feel
the pain
of my heart breaking?
Do you see
the picture
of my tears running?
For never
have I fallen
this way,
what was I thinking?
They warned me
you know.
They say
I ought to go.

These I never asked
not the breaking
not the painful
This pain
I cannot take,
the endless,
You smiled
to me
with teeth
that razed
the hope
I hold.

Sadly or lovingly,
a moment
and a heartbeat,
in my troubles
or in yours,
I could not let go.
I could not
do it.
And here
I lay
bleeding without blood
crying without tears.
And they know
without knowing
and they see
without seeing
that I cry
and I sing
and I bleed
for you –
without tears,
without words,
without blood –
with only pain
and melancholy.

Do you hear
the silent requiem
of my soul?
Do you see
my invisible wounds
that bleed?
Do you feel
the tears that numb
my being?

and me
breaking and breaking,
falling deeply
shattering completely.

Posted by: silent sinner | January 14, 2009


1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, MP3 Player, or whatever on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say…
The Beginning is the End is the Beginning – Smashing Pumpkins [That would be very weird reply….]

How would you describe yourself?
Accidentally in Love – FM Static [Oh. My. God.]

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Mercy – One Republic [Yes, Angel of Mercy please find me.]

How do you feel today?
You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift [Crap. I wish…]

What is your life’s purpose?
Gotta Be Somebody – Nickelback [Well, we’re all looking for love, one way or another.]

What is your motto?
Signs – Bloc Party [This song makes one hell of a motto…]

What do your friends think of you?
Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park [“Keep me in your memories…”]

What do you think of your parents?
Believe – The Bravery [“Give me something to believe `coz I am living just to breathe…”]

What do you think about very often?
One More Time, One More Chance – 山崎まさよし [Uh. No. Not really.]

What is 2 + 2?
America’s Next Freak – FM Static [Somehow I found this funny…]

What do you think of your best friend?
Love Remains The Same – Gavin Rossdale [Huh?]

What do you think of the person you like?
Definitely Maybe – FM Static [Yes! Definitely maybe!]

What is your life story?
Hard to Live in the City – Albert Hammond, Jr. [“Keep your head down low, don’t let anybody know that it’s hard to live in the city…”]

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Girl of the Year – FM Static [Interesting…]

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Everytime – Lincoln Hawk [“Everytime you walk away, you ran away, you take a piece of me with you…”]

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Moment of Truth – FM Static [“Now I brought you to place where I’ve put heart out a million times for a million reason to offer it to you…”]

What will they play at your funeral?
Take a Bow – Rihanna [Playing this at a funeral would be very interesting… not to mention funny…]

What is your hobby/interest?
Crush – David Archuleta [Definitely an interest!]

What is your biggest fear?
Points of Authority – Linkin Park [Huh?]

What is your biggest secret?
Come on Get Higher – Matt Nathanson [Haha!]

What do you think of your friends?
October – FM Static [Huh?]

What will you post this as?
Feeling Better – Teenagers [“Or missing your friends ’cause you don’t have any, we don’t care, just buy our t-shirts and talk about us everywhere…” Haha!]

Posted by: silent sinner | January 9, 2009

Back to Basics

The Basics
Name: it means “protector of men and defender of mankind”, kinda redundant.
Birthdate: August
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Auburn Black
Height: 5’5″

Your webpage:
Are you taken?: By who or what?
Are you a virgin?: I guess I am.

How many & what kind of pets do you have?: the puppy ran away
What’s your job?: part time royal pain in the behind
What’s your Dream Job?: To be an artist.
Who is your best friend?: I wonder…
What instruments do you play?: Any instrument available. I say I play them but I never said I know how to. Technically, there’s a difference. 😛
What are your hobbies?: anything that I can do for more than an hour that doesn’t bore me half to death.
What are your goals?: finish college, get into my dream grad school, have enough money to build, fund and sustain the academy and still be able to sustain myself with a porche 911, couture clothes, jewelries and white and black tie events. (“Try to reach for the stars because even if you don’t quite reach them you won’t end up with a pile of mud either.” I forgot who said that.)
Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?: YES, OF COURSE! That is if I EVER get pass my fear of heights.
What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?: a lot. basically, what I can get my hands on. (I don’t finish the ones that bore me to death on the first 15 pages, unless it’s a text book, because for me it’s just too painful for a read. I don’t want to suffer.)(edit: ok, i lied, I don’t get past the fourth page if it bores me. But boring is subjective, depending on the daily fluctuation of my insanity quotient. But if I ever don’t get past the 15th page for the 5th try. I usually give up the book altogether. Unless, I really have to really read it for class. As an intellectual masochist, I don’t really deprive my teachers from inflicting intellectual pain on me.)

How would you describe yourself?: I’d like to say normal but then I would be lying.
What is a topic you wish you knew more about?: Everything! Bring it on!
What do you daydream about?: whatever I’m looking forward to at the moment. (And right now, believe it or not, it’s class.)
What are your religious/spiritual beliefs?: I believe in GOD. PERIOD.

List 3 Things You Would Change About Yourself
One: my insecurities
Two: my uncertainties (sometimes, it makes life a lot more interesting, though.)
Three: my bad habits (those I consider bad, at least.)

Shy or Outgoing?: It depends on who I’m with or where I am.
Truth or Dare?: DARE!
Books or Movies?: BOTH. Don’t make me choose. It feels like choosing over a best friend and a lover. (and although a lover, for me, seem more fleeting than best friend, I still love them with different but similar intensity that only I would ever probably understand.)
Romantic Comedy or Action Adventure?: As long as they know how to keep their acting and/or stories straight and makes sense, it doesn’t matter. One more thing, as long as it doesn’t bore me half to sleep.
Cats or Dogs?: Dogs. Cats are prideful and ungrateful. Both of them are sweet in their own cute little ways, though.
Mountain or Beach?: Beach because I love the sun and the feeling of sand in my feet. But then, we all get sick of sand in our feet after a while.
Sweet or Salty?: Bitter. I like my chocolates and coffee rich and black.

Do You…
Smoke?: I tried.
Drink?: I can hold my alcohol, if that’s what you mean. (Everybody drinks, you know. It’s probably the most bearable way of getting fluids in our body. And we all need that. Water, at the very least.)
Get annoyed easily?: Depends on the subject of annoyance and my current mood — mostly on the subject of annoyance.
Like to travel?: Of course! The farther the better!
Like to drive fast?: Fast Lane, Freeway, German Autobahn, the faster the better! I’m going to get myself a porche 911 someday… Or at least get other people to get me one. Haha!
Sing well?: I don’t think so. And my parents and siblings agree with me.
Want kids?: Yes, I guess. I’ll probably adopt.
What would you name a boy?: Ianuar Lucas Carlisle (from Ianuarius, Latin “of Janus”, the first god or “January”, the first in Roman calendar; Lucas, “light”; and Carisle, “from the protected tower/from the walled city”)
What would you name a girl?: Tatiana Victoria Caela (from Tatius, the roman king who was said to have ruled over the Sabines and Romans with the legendary Romulus; Victoria, Latin “victory”; Caelum, Latin “sky/heaven”)

Have You Ever…
Performed on stage? In what?: Of course, stage plays mostly.
Been in a car accident?: Yes, I think. Something minor involving a car heading straight towards a wall.
Been out of the country?: What do you think?

What Is…
The last CD you bought?: I can’t honestly remember.
The last movie you saw in the theater?: I think it was The Curious Case of Benjamine Button.
The last movie you rented?: Requiem for a Dream (2000) and Vitus (2006).
Your greatest fear?: Height and cockroaches. I wholeheartedly believe that once a cockroach sees me, it will mutate into a giant cockroach and eat me.

Your greatest strength?: My sensitivity to other people, I guess. (Not that it stops me from being mean when I want to be.)
Your greatest weakness?: My sensitivity to other people, I guess. (It doesn’t doesn’t do my conscience any good when I’m being mean. Even if the object of my meanness deserves it. I detest the weak, the spoiled and the stupid.)
Your happiest memory?: Winter 2008.

Your Favorite…
Movie: Le Mystère Picasso (1956, experimental, Henri-Georges Clouzot), Byôsoku 5 Senchimêtoru (2007, Animated Feature, Makoto Shinkai), Artificial Intelligence: A.I. (2001, Science Fiction, Steven Spielberg), One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975, Drama, Miloš Forman), Modern Times (1936, Comedy, Charlie Chaplin), Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (1922, Horror, F. W. Murnau), Le Scaphandre et Le Papillon (2007, Biography, Julian Schnabel), Vertigo (1958, Psychological Thriller, Alfred Hitchcock), Le Fabuleux destin d’Amélie Poulain (2001, Romance/Comedy, Jean-Pierre Jeunet)
TV Show: Gossip Girl, Heroes, Crime 360, Numb3rs, Alias
Actor: Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise, Charlie Chaplin
Actress: Dakota Fanning, Meg Ryan
Food: mostly pastas
Drink: mango juice, wine
Color: gold, silver, white, black, amethyst
Scent: rain, forest, freshly opened box of crayons, freshly cut grass

Season & WHY: Winter. solitude and an ending to give way to a new beginning, season of remembrance.
Day of the week & WHY: Friday. The end of the school week and the start of the weekend.
Store: Depends on what I’m going to buy.
Quote: “When you die God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in life that you denied yourself.”

What Do You Think About…
Abortion: is a choice. One I wouldn’t make myself.
Homosexuality: is a choice. Who are we to judge?
God: exists. At least for me he does.
Jesus: is just one of the many faces and names of God.
Satan: is the “enemy” of the Christian God. The villain Christianity needs but never wanted.
Heaven: is anywhere with the ones I love.
Hell: is anywhere without them.
Miracles: happen everyday.
Astrology: is a funny way of thinking that celestial bodies somehow affect our personality and future.
War: defeats everyone regardless of who are the victors.
Ghosts: are something I have yet to see.
Reincarnation: is an interesting concept.
Karma: is a hindu name for “what you give is what you get”.
Luck: is something you have only when you believe you have it.
Aliens: live among us. Maybe.

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